Monday, July 25, 2005

Smoother relationships!

Lately I hear lots of comments – mainly at work – about the “people issues” where someone is not good in “relationships”. There are lots of “change management” solutions floating around and a casual look in the book stores (Barnes & Nobles) as well as on-line (Amazon) shows that there are lots of books – indicating still there is lots of demand on this area!

If I cut through all the “Dilbert” jargon in these – it boils down to a very simple issue: people don’t get along well with other people! Incidentally I remember reading once that “human are nothing but social animals” – and it seems that we are losing the “social” piece of it! Because of the hustle and bustle of the modern day, most of the work relationships are relatively short term (fortunately!) in time dimension. Either they move or you move – so it does not matter much for us to have a relationship that span over decades. However, the reputation of maintaining good relationships with peers goes a long way not just in helping ones career – but also ones own happiness!

That made me think about how I dealt with relationships over the years. Not that I am crowned the “people person” in any forum! Still I feel that I might have got something right to get me at least “above average” in the relationship building rating particularly after being born in a country of eastern culture and lived in 2 different countries of western culture. So here are my thoughts!

There are 3 key attributes to Relationship:
1. Acceptance
2. Appreciation
3. Adaptability

Complete acceptance of the other individual – without any reservation or judgment is a key success factor. Funnily enough not many times I have done this myself! I have accepted a person most of the time, not all the time – or subject to some reservations. And I find in every such instance, that particular relationship did not really grow to bloom! Though this seems simple I found it hard – particularly as I get older – to accept things completely. But as I get older I am doing well on one other dimension – i.e. Adaptability – so my overall success rate has not gone down.

For a long lasting relationship, it’s not enough just to accept in full but to have an appreciation for the other individual! Not just their skills (e.g. an athlete who is appreciated for his skills may soon find that appreciation go down once his skills fade away!) but the individual. This is what differentiates an ‘infatuation’ from ‘relationship’ – most of the infatuations have a high intensity of appreciation – kind of worship, and when the feature – be it physical or otherwise – wanes out, the intensity of appreciation also goes down. On the contrary, in a relationship the appreciation is more rooted – I think fundamental to the character is the right word here – and hence stays for a long time. As I reflect over the years the friends who drifted away and disappeared were more because of this attribute than anything else.

Both the acceptance and appreciation are tested over time. Individuals change over time and hence may deviate from their known features! So a certain level of tolerance or adaptability is needed to adjust for these changes over a period of time, in order to maintain a successful relationship. It’s kind of tricky – as the reference changes from both the parties concerned. If they move in the same direction, the gap is not noticeable; however if they move in opposite direction from their original viewpoint, the gap will be even wider!

While choosing relationships we can do all these analysis and judgments but in lots of occasions we do not have choices – be it your co-worker or customer (unless you are the owner and can afford to fire anyone and refuse service to anyone – though chances are you won’t be in business for long!). In those cases the key is to consciously look for spots in the other for areas of acceptance and appreciation! If you look hard you will find it – and a load of adaptability to accept those idiosyncrasies!! Just as they say in realtor’s 101 – every house has a buyer; you just need to find them!!!

I personally used this technique at work to make myself a “people person” – when ever I am forced to work with a person with whom I cant really get along well:
1. I try to find something in that person that I can accept and appreciate; if found then I focus more on that area and use my conversations to touch on those areas as often – it helps as a lubricant for the relationship to reduce friction!
2. If it fails, I try to avoid it by working to get me out of that project
3. If I can not do either of that, I just try to imagine that it is a bad dream and I will wake up soon – and since what can not be avoided must be endured, I try to wait for the “time” to take over ;-)

If I have a rough relationship at work, I try to spend more time with family – where my relationships are smooth to help me heal! Try it – you may like it!